Like any other friendship, it starts with a small connection. They seem kind, or they inspire you, or they help you when you don’t expect it.

The pleasant encounters all build up, and you find yourself caring for them on a personal level – they become part of your life, and you can’t imagine it without them.

Oh, and one more thing: you’ve never met them in your life.

Maybe they’re a music artist, whose songs make you feel understood. Or maybe they’re an influencer you watch, who you feel like you could have a whole conversation with. Or maybe they’re the star player for your favorite team, and their post-game interviews seem designed to motivate you. If you feel a one-way tie to a famous figure, you’re experiencing a type of parasocial relationship: “a one-sided emotional connection with someone… whom one does not know personally,” as Merriam-Webster defines it. (Parasocial relationships can also involve figures besides celebrities – like fictional characters, or even people you pass by at school – which might be a topic for a different article.)

I’ve had my fair share of parasocial relationships. 51% of Americans share that experience with me, according to Time Magazine – but only 16% will admit to it. I don’t think they’re necessarily a bad thing, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of – but there are some steps we can take to avoid unnecessary heartbreak down the line.

Unpacking the Word

“Parasocial” signifies that someone is almost a companion to us — it resembles a real, two-way bond enough to deliver similar emotions. The prefix para- means alongside, or closely resembling. Soc- signifies companion.

For me, at least, this word sounds bad when I hear it. Maybe because it’s similar to “paranormal”, which conjures frightening images of ghosts. Or maybe because I’m always afraid of getting “too parasocial” about a celebrity. (Is that unhealthy? Could it make me seem like a stalker?)

But is there something inherently bad about parasocial relationships? I wanted to investigate. This is definitely a tricky new frontier we’re exploring, because (as is true with just about everything), we’ve started receiving so much more information about celebrities via social media in the past few decades. Is that information filling particular needs in our lives?

The Psychology Behind Parasocial Relationships

As Harvard Health Publishing explains, our fascinations with the famous spark because of our natural tendency to link to others. We seek out social connections everywhere — and, if we have regular enough exposure to someone else, it is embedded in us to care for them.

It’s those emotional connections that hook people. And they sustain us emotionally — until we can’t really imagine our lives without people who aren’t physically present in them.

Parasocial relationships “might entertain you, inspire you, educate you, or bring you comfort,” Harvard Health Publishing shares. For me, that entertainment and comfort usually comes from music; almost every parasocial relationship I’ve had involves a music artist. When I spend bored days or challenging cram nights listening to one person’s album on loop, I start to feel like they’re part of my support base.

In some cases, immersion in the wide world of celebrity content might be a form of escapism. “I think people might have imperfections in their lives and… devote themselves to someone seemingly perfect, and treat them as above themselves because of their observed perfection,” freshman Victoria Brown remarks. People might realize it, and they might not — but their favorite celebrities may become symbols of the good things they want to see in their real lives.

Meeting Ourselves — and Others?

Our celebrities of interest shape our values — especially as teenagers, they’re powerful. We’re intrigued by people who we see as symbols of values (hard work, selflessness, kindness), and we strive to mirror them, which makes us better and happier in the long run. It’s also proven that, when we see a public figure be transparent about mental health conditions, we become less predisposed to stigmatize these struggles.

Time Magazine explains that being a fan lends adolescents a sense of autonomy and identity. Especially for the many teens who grapple with low self-esteem, that can be a step toward hope.

Fandom is also a space for people to meet others, and bond over common favorites. “Parasocial bonds are launching pads into fulfilling online and in-person connections with fans who share similar interests,” Time explains.

During the early COVID pandemic, fandom helped many people break out of social isolation. I remember bonding with lots of friends over my favorite artists, despite seldom being able to socialize in person. With Internet safety in mind, I met a friend group online during the pandemic, originally centered on our shared love for our favorite singer (it was Ariana Grande, as anyone who knew me in middle school can tell you). And my in-person friends and I introduced each other to our favorite celebrities. The conversations and the inside jokes we built around them blossomed into some of my closest friendships. Even if we’re more casual fans now, we still talk about them to this day.

It’s no surprise that, once we get invested in fandoms, they matter a lot to us — both as sources of happiness, and as gateways to connection with others.

The Catch

Parasocial relationships give us free entertainment, inspiration from successful figures, and community. The pitfall is that they can’t give true companions.

“They’re like fake food,” says Arthur C. Brooks. Brooks is a professor at the Harvard Kennedy School and Harvard Business School, a social scientist, and a best-selling author. “They taste good, but they have no nutritional content and won’t meet your needs. You need to love and be loved in return to thrive.”

When the lack of requited connection sinks in, parasocial relationships can contribute to loneliness and isolation. That can spark physical and mental health struggles.

And the celebrities we adore might exert a negative influence on us. Parents should be wary of kids getting attached to controversial figures, especially when political or adult themes are involved. Recently, more and more kids have gone down extreme, prejudiced pipelines. I imagine that unchecked parasocial relationships to controversial figures might play an unfortunate role in that.

As Victoria said, fans might come to view their favorite celebrities as symbols of “perfection”. No person is perfect, though — and big celebrity controversies make sure we know that.

I know I’ve fallen into the comforting lie that certain famous people I’ve admired can basically do no wrong. If you’ve ever experienced the same, that’s not your fault — but sadly, it causes much more pain down the line, when your favorite figure does something that goes against your conscience.

Walking the Tightrope

We can get a lot of joy from connecting with celebrities’ content, and a lot of motivation from the examples they set. I think it helps, though, to have a couple of concrete signals for when things are getting unhealthy.

Harvard Health Publishing shares “two red alerts”. One is asking yourself if you’re favoring parasocial relationships over your real-life connections — for example, sacrificing time with friends and family.

The second is making sure your famous figure of interest isn’t trying to convince you to be their friend. Your trust is beneficial to them — unfortunately, some might take advantage of that. Ask whether the influencers you’re a fan of might be trying to push you toward an agenda.

I think feeling connected to someone because of their hard work — be that their art, their content online, their career, or anything else — is a good sign of the human desire to connect. And I think fandom is an amazing place for people, especially teens, to build belonging.

But we deserve to have connections with celebrities that make us happy, not more stressed. I encourage you to look over the connections you have, see which ones are serving you, and ask how you can substitute real-life hobbies and connections for the ones that might not be so healthy. Of course, it’s not an easy task to detach, but you deserve it.